My Journey

Forever with me

On thursday this week I finally got to have my tattoo done for my Amelia. I wanted something to forever remind me of her and the mark she created in my life. So I decided to get her actual footprint with her name and date she was born.

Heres the design thats been put on my arm. It doesnt look like much but the final tattoo really makes an impact.

I am not good with needles so I was nervous about it but i knew I would get through it as I’ve had tattoos before just been awhile. While Tag my tattoo artist was working away on my tattoo, I couldn’t bring myself to watch. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me and I didnt want to break into tears there and then. Tag explained that he made sure that the foot print was the same size as the print I gave them to photocopy of Amelia. He even said he spent hours reworking into the tattoo design to make sure everything was perfect, as he knew how much this was going to mean to me.

The tattoo took an hour and half to do with no breaks because I am a warrior and didnt need any. We even talked about adding to my other tattoo because I wanted to add to that tattoo in the future. I am already planing on getting another tattoo by Tag this time being a butterfly with pink and blue wings flying away from this tattoo. This would show the support for the baby loss awareness ribbon in my own way but also because her nursey has butterflies all over the wall that I did. Seeing butterflies reminds me of her so I like the idea of the two being put together.

This is the finising result and it looks even better in person. The amount of detail that went into her foot print alone takes my breath away.

Since having it done I keep catching myself just looking at her foot print. It brings me so much joy but also reminds me of my loss. Its kinda bittersweet in that way. She was my world and finding a way to carry on without my daughter is very hard. I wont lie and say it will ever get easier. I think we just find our own ways to deal with the pain. I will make it my mission to make sure shes always there with me, in memory and heart.

Getting pregnant the first time.

We started to try to have a baby back in 2018, nothing was happening but we just thought it was just bad timing on our part. Autumn 2019 I had a really bad period that lasted a whole month. I was put on tablets to control the flow because I couldn’t leave the house because it was that bad. I actaully thought I was dying. I was given loads of tests to be done and just before christmas I was told it was cancer on my ovaries. Throughout christmas I was a shell. I then had an appointment with a specialist 29th of december 2019 and was told it wasnt cancer but I had PCOS. That convosation was a heavy one. I was happy I wasn’t dying but also when the lady said it would be very hard for me to get pregnant and that the only way to combat the hormonal change that causes PCOS is being put on birth control. I had to fight for my voice to be heard but was told I could improve my chances of pragnancy if I lost weight. Great I know have a goal that I have been trying to do for years.

2020 while everyone was gaining weight I was losing it bit by bit. I was on a mission and being on slimming world had helped a lot too. I still didnt understand PCOS and probaby didnt until the last month where I got a book about it all because I wanted to understand it more. But thats another days post. I lost a lot of weight in lockdown. I was more active and even got into yoga which im tempted to start back up because it was fun. I had lost 5stone by January 2021. I was then told over the phone that because my periods were back on track and the amount of weight I had lost that they could see me pregnant by the end of the year. This was great news and something I personally needed to hear.

Come June 10th 2021 and I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock and over joyed all at once. My whole dreams came true with that one test giving me a positive. The following weeks was a whirlwind of eating healthy making sure everything was on track and planning the future we both wanted with all our hearts.

Then came the 12 week scan where my heart was ripped open the first time. I was told bleeding was normal at the beginning and nothing to worry about. I found out at my 12 week scan that I had a miscarriage at 10weeks and they had brushed it off as normal. I was broken into little pieces at this information and decided to give myself time to grieve.

Everyone said it was normal and that it happens all the time. They made it sound like my baby wasnt important and because it was early it didnt matter. But it mattered to us and my heart. My first angel baby is in heaven and I dont even know the gender so it doesnt even have its own name. Just known as baby jones. how bad is that. I grieve for my lost baby and cant even give them a real name.

I got pregnant the second time really fast. Even though we weren’t trying, I was allowed to grieve for a month before I found out I was pregnant again with my daughter Amelia. That story will be in another post because thats a harder one to talk about. Lets just say she was meant to be my rainbow baby but it seems life just loves making me suffer.

The beginning

I’m not sure where to begin. It seems even when I talk to my therapist I struggle to connect with what has happened. My life seems to be a fight after fight to grab even a little bit of happiness. It seems strange going back and thinking about how my life has come together.

I might as well give you all some back story about my past. Some may even relate to what has happened to me and connect. Where others will question how I got this far with all that crap I have had to go through. The easiest answer to that is I am a fighter and I dont know how to quit.

My childhood wasnt the best. In fact it was quite shitty. I grew up with two brothers, me being the oldest and one to be blamed for ruining my mothers life. Or thats how she use to put it while I was growing up. I was her verbal punching bag and protector of my brothers. I had my nan as back up but even then she never really knew all that happened behind close doors, even through she lived under the same roof. We would walk around the house on eggshells because one word and my mother would turn into something out of a nightmare. She only got physical twice, the rest would be locking me out in my bed wear so I would be sat in the garden in winter in just PJs or she would belittle me at every turn.

This happened throughout my childhood. I would get in between my mother and brothers, protecting them from her. I could take it they couldnt. It was better that I was her punching bag then they were. I was use to it. When I was in college about 17 years old she attacked me. I was taken to hospital with brusies and cuts all over my head and back from her beating me. She even wore rings doing it to add that special touch. It was that point that made the difference. We finally got the help we needed to get her out of our life. It was the start of the end when it came to her. Or thats how I feel anyway.

Fast forward to now, I am 28 years old and a mum to two angel babies. I have always wanted to be a mum. Its written in my DNA, my life goals has always included babies of my own. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, hes my rock and one of the reasons I keep fighting. Its been a really hard road for me, for us both. But I wanted to give you some background in my upbringing to understand how much my own little family means to me. How my world shattered into little pieces when I lost my babies.

I will warn you my posts may drop into different parts of my life. I do the same with my therapist. Its probably how I process everything thats happened. I will post poems that I connect with, books that I have read thats helped me. Charitites that I support. My day to day life everything that could help me with my healing journey but also may help yours in your own way too.

I do hope this helps someone in the future because going through a loss can be very lonely and thats the last thing we all need.