5 minute thoughts *1
“It’s not about time, it’s about choices. How are you spending your choices?” (Beverly Adamo)
I was told to try this 5 minute journaling app and thought it would be a great way to help me focus on what is needed. I wont be posting theses all the time but thought it was a great idea to see how far I’ve come over time. Let me know if your doing this or using the app too.
3 things that I am grateful for:
– not being alone in my pain, because going through this on my own would be so much worse. Knowing I am not the only one has gotten me through a lot even if it wasnt the case. – Having seen how perfect my beautiful daughter was even through it causes me great pain knowing shes no longer with us. – Having my partner there for me. I know this can break people u and having there for me and being my rock has gotten me through so much. I honestly dont think I could continue on this path without him by my side.
What will I do to make today great?
– I will be working on my blog and trying to put my thoughts to blog because I have found it helps me come to terms with things more. – I want to make plans to sort my bedroom out because its become a place where things just get dumped and I want to create my peaceful place not a storing room where I just sleep. – I am going to allow me some me time because I know I need it and then I am going to make an action plan for this next week to try and help get me back into some routine.
My daily affirmation is: Take a step outside your bubble because sometimes those bubbles are whats holding you back. You are stronger than you think.
Stepping stones to my normal?
“We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea. I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see. But if I don’t believe in him, why would he believe in me?” (bring me the horizan)
This past week has been really hard for me. I’ve not been sleeping very well and having no energy to do anything apart from hide in my protective bubble I have made. I know this might have been triggered by the idea of going back to work as tester days within the next 10 weeks before I offically go back to work in Feburary.
I have in my head this deadline that I have to be fixed before I go back to work. This is on me to get over that because its not going to happen. I think getting my head around knowing my normal wont be normal anymore. That the pain I carry with me now will never leave me. Its a learning curve to be honest.
I have always be one of those people to put everything in a box to sort later. Its how I have always survived the past pain and I know its not what is good for me. I need to learn a new way to deal with my pain and this has also brought up my past pain as well because I didn’t deal with it the way I needed to. In a way thats one of the reasons I created this blog. For me to work through my feelings and to connect with others who may have gone through the same things.
I have spent so long trying to understand the reasons why I lost my baby, to come to terms with it all and its soo damn hard. I dont want to accept that my daughter is gone. I know logically that shes no longer here and I have her ashes to prove it but my heart hurts soo deeply. All the things I had planned that I keep holding on to. The what ifs and could of beens. Its not doing me any good and its actually making things alot worse for me in the long wrong. I know this but getting my head and heart on the same page is so hard.
I need to find something to hold on to and not be hard on myself when I trip or fall because there isnt a perfect way to go through what I went through. Coming terms that alone will help in the long wrong and I need that foundation. I need the starting blocks to build me again because at the moment I am dancing between steping stones with no direction to go.
our tattoos for our babies
What if…….
With this letter to Amelia that I have been tasked to write, I keep going back to the what ifs. Whats the hardest thing about losing your baby is not having anything to hold on to. When you lose a friend or family member theres memories you can hold to. But with a baby its all the what could of been. Ive been thinking a lot about that since writing this letter to my daughter. I dont have any good memories to hold on to. Thats what gave me the idea of writing my own little stories of what ifs. It may help me come to terms with what has happened. iT may also help me hold on to something other than the pain of losing her.
I think I will try to write one and see how it goes and if it helps I will share it with you all on here. I want this blog to be all about my angel babies and life since, so sharing a short story I write for them here may help you all too.
Day 52 on my step challenge
50 days of walking
1st Heavenly Halloween
I had imagined today to be so different than what it is. For one I would be smiling with your face looking up into mine. We would be getting reading early with all the spooky fun. You may have only been 6 months but we would of made the most of today. You would be dressed up in a cute little halloween outfit. Dont worry I would be all dressed up just to create those memories. We would go into town and visit your auntie in work and cheer her up with your smiling face.
Once we got home we would watch spooky films and light a candle for samhain to honour all those that have passed. I never thought I would be lighting this candle with you in mind. I never could imagine life without you. It just never accured to me that it could of happened. My beautiful angels how can I ever imagine this would be my life. Amelia you were meant to be my rainbow, my ray of sunshine. How could you be taken away from me in the way you were.
Todays like today I wonder the what ifs. I wonder how my life would be with you here. For one I would be soo happy. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just give up and join you both up there. Then I remember thats not what you would of wanted. I also made a promise to you Amelia that I would give you more siblings and that they will know who you were. You will never be forgotten my angel babies.
Step at a time….
‘Please dont compare yourself to others. Your grief is your own. Every journey is unique…… just like every baby. Be gentle with yourself.’
I have been kicking myself trying to make myself feel normal again. Then realising what is normal anymore. My therapist today explained to me that I am doing really well for myself and that I am still grieving. Its only been 6 months since losing my daughter.
She wanted me to write a letter to my daughter. Focusing on what life would of been like if she was still here. I am trying to get my head around it to be honest because thinking about that just breaks my heart. I know why she asked me to do this letter, she wants me to grieve what I lost.
I lost the chance to make memories with Amelia. I lost the chance to laugh about stinky nappies and cry about long nights with little sleep. I lost the chance to see my daughters eyes open, to see what colour they would be. I wish I could of heard her laugh and to see her smile.
I just don’t know how to write that in a letter to her. This week I want to try at least. It may help me come to terms with where I am now and what I lost. I will let you all know how I get on with this challenge and if it helped me too.
Amelias Story
This is going to be hard for me to go back and remember it all as its still so fresh but I know I need to come to terms with my emotions and with what has happened. I found out I was pregnant with Amelia on my 27th birthday. I had lost my first baby at the end of july so I was still reeling from that not even thinking about trying again so soon but life has a funny way of showing what you needed at the time.
I thought it was the universe saying sorry and gifting me the best gift I ever wanted. In somes its still true but again bittersweet somes to my mind when I think about it now. Me and my partner was excited and we even went to get an early scan this time because of what happened last time. My little bean had such a strong heartbeat. I remember crying seeing her little bean shape on the screen. I can’t believe that thinking back it was only last year.
We didnt tell anyone really apart from the main people in our life because I didnt want to go through what we went last time. The closer I got to the 12 week scan I was nervous, I didn’t sleep because I worried about what happened last time. But the 12 week scan went really well she was perfect. We annouced on our facebook pages that we were expecting at 13 weeks just after my partners birthday. We were living the best life.
At 17 weeks pregnant I had a scan to find out the gender and then had a gender reavel party with just my partners side of the family as it was short notice. I was over the moon when the cake had pink inners saying we were having the perfect little girl. Our dreams were coming true.
My 20 week scan went well and she was starting to kick me all the time. In fact she was very active for a little bean. I knew when she was going to be active and how she would be. I talked to her every time she moved and she knew how much she was loved.
Because I was classed as high risk because of weight I had scans every 4 weeks from the 20 week scan. Everything wa going fine, she was getting bigger and becoming even more perfect. I was meant to have a scan on the friday at 36 weeks but the hospital had to cancel and move it to the following tuesday. I didn’t mind because she was active and perfect with every other scan.
That sunday was my baby shower. She was active all morning and throughout the day because I was busy with the baby shower and everything going on I dont remember her moving. Now you know where this is going dont you??
Monday morning came and I woke up and knew something was wrong. She wasnt moving. She wasn’t her active self. I was panicing and by the time I got to the hospital I knew everything wasnt going to be right ever again.
Hearing the words ‘she has no heartbeat’ was the moment my heart shattered into tiny bits and my will to continue died with her. I honestly dont know how I got through it all. Theres times when I look back and feel like it was a bad dream. I cant connect with what happened back then and I know thats why I am struggling now. It might of been over 6 months ago now but I feel like I just stopped living in April.
I cant think about the next part just yet, so I will do that in another post. I will say that not only did I lose my daughter but 5 days later I lost my father in law too which made it soo much worse. Its probably why I am having such a hard time thinking about it all at the moment. I will get there though. I need to.
My Journey 