Our christmas themed meeting
So last night we had gone to our monthly gathering at our hosiptal. This group has been helping me with my grief and I just love catching up with these amazing people who are all at different stages in the process and in a way gives me hope.
I really enjoy these groups and we get all crafty which is fun. We get to honour our babies and ourselves with each other. No judgement or telling us to get over it now. Its a safe place for us to be ourselves together.
Last night we created christmas baubles for the tree in the baby garden and we also made some to take home ourselves. I spoke to some amazing people last night and found that their christmas trees have become a way they cann honour their babies who are no longer with us and I just love that idea. Each year they add something new for their baby to honour them and that just makes my heart warm. It also gives me something to honour my babies with my home to.
I have decided to raid my crafty stash to take to the group because it would be used a lot more than at home and they can come up with crafty projects for us to all do together. I have already been given the dates for the next 12 meeting for next year which will be put everywhere (calender/phone/planner) so I dont forget them and neither does my partner.
love
Our first baby memorial events
So I did a story about this last week. Its taken awhile for me to get my head around everything that went through my mind. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew what the theme of the event was going to be. I didn’t realise how much it would hit me or cj my partner.
We were in a sea of people that have all suffered what we did. May not of been at the stage we did but the pain is still the same. Having these people reading poems and singing songs broke me. The words they put together the pain behind each word spoken, broke me. I actually felt like my heart was being ripped to pieces again and I was right back where they told me she was gone.
I also found acceptance though, which was a weird feeling at the time. I wasnt alone in my pain, we were all together feeling the same emotions. We were no longer alone in our feelings but together honouring our lost babies.
Writing both my babies names on the bauble to put on the christmas tree there was like bringing them back to me in a way. They were being honoured in a way we could see and they were not alone either.
Christmas is such a hard time for parents in our shoes because we have no baby to create memories with. For me I have no children yet which makes christmas a lot worse. I also know this years one will hit even worse because its the first for Amelias but also her grandfather who pasted 5 days after she was born. I know they are together up there but we are still greiving their loss. I am trying to be positive but its so hard at the moment.
Christmas memorial part 1
This past week:
So this past week has been a busy one for myself. I had decided to redo my bedroom, declutter the space because it is my proective bubble from the world. I felt like it was time to focus on something positive that would help my mental health than just feel stuck in my ways.
I got two new chest of drawers and a shelving unit in the cyber monday deals and just looking around the room now makes me feel so much more at peace. It all flows and everything has its place. Having a space that gives me some joy it makes it easier for my mind to get a hold of the problems.
I know it sounds weird but my brian feels more decluttered now that my space does. It helps me be able to focus on the feelings I need to and hopefully this is a turning point that will help with my healing. Nothing will be a quick fix for my mental health or how I am feeling but small things like this can help in the long run.
It also helped me focus on something more positive than my loss and for a little while I felt more like myself than I have in a long time which I will take as a bonus. I need to find the little bubbles of joy to keep me going at the moment and my new bedroom is giving me that.
Hard Milestones
Trying to start a new chapter…
Hardest goodbye
Unknown reflections
I had my first ‘keeping in touch’ days in work on thursday just gone. Now with the company I work with I get 10 days to work whenever I want before I come back of baby leave. Now I don’t go back until feburary next year so I could do one day a week going towards coming back full term. This is great because I work in a childs shop and have babies in all the time. So I was really nervers going in before christmas.
Now that I did a small 4 hour work shift on thursday I am ok going back ish. Honestly work itself felt like no time had past and everything was still the same part from a couple business changes but that doesnt effect my job much. What I couldn’t get in my head was how I was feeling. I felt very disconnected with it all and was just going through the motions.
I have realised that I don’t feel like myself anymore. I went through the stages of becoming a mum. This time last year I was getting ready to find out my babies gender and was all excited to meet her. Now I feel lost and not myself. I can’t go back to how I was before losing my daughter but I don’t know how to go forward either. I am very lost at the moment and I don’t know how to find myself again.
I can look in a mirror and I dont see me anymore. The happy hopeful me with joy in their eyes. I feel like a zombie going through the stages of life and its disconnecting from the world too. If you all have any ideas I can do to help find myself again I would love to hear it because I am very lost at the moment and unsure how to go about it.
My Journey 