“We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea. I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see. But if I don’t believe in him, why would he believe in me?” (bring me the horizan)
This past week has been really hard for me. I’ve not been sleeping very well and having no energy to do anything apart from hide in my protective bubble I have made. I know this might have been triggered by the idea of going back to work as tester days within the next 10 weeks before I offically go back to work in Feburary.
I have in my head this deadline that I have to be fixed before I go back to work. This is on me to get over that because its not going to happen. I think getting my head around knowing my normal wont be normal anymore. That the pain I carry with me now will never leave me. Its a learning curve to be honest.
I have always be one of those people to put everything in a box to sort later. Its how I have always survived the past pain and I know its not what is good for me. I need to learn a new way to deal with my pain and this has also brought up my past pain as well because I didn’t deal with it the way I needed to. In a way thats one of the reasons I created this blog. For me to work through my feelings and to connect with others who may have gone through the same things.
I have spent so long trying to understand the reasons why I lost my baby, to come to terms with it all and its soo damn hard. I dont want to accept that my daughter is gone. I know logically that shes no longer here and I have her ashes to prove it but my heart hurts soo deeply. All the things I had planned that I keep holding on to. The what ifs and could of beens. Its not doing me any good and its actually making things alot worse for me in the long wrong. I know this but getting my head and heart on the same page is so hard.
I need to find something to hold on to and not be hard on myself when I trip or fall because there isnt a perfect way to go through what I went through. Coming terms that alone will help in the long wrong and I need that foundation. I need the starting blocks to build me again because at the moment I am dancing between steping stones with no direction to go.
My Journey 