This is going to be hard for me to go back and remember it all as its still so fresh but I know I need to come to terms with my emotions and with what has happened. I found out I was pregnant with Amelia on my 27th birthday. I had lost my first baby at the end of july so I was still reeling from that not even thinking about trying again so soon but life has a funny way of showing what you needed at the time.
I thought it was the universe saying sorry and gifting me the best gift I ever wanted. In somes its still true but again bittersweet somes to my mind when I think about it now. Me and my partner was excited and we even went to get an early scan this time because of what happened last time. My little bean had such a strong heartbeat. I remember crying seeing her little bean shape on the screen. I can’t believe that thinking back it was only last year.
We didnt tell anyone really apart from the main people in our life because I didnt want to go through what we went last time. The closer I got to the 12 week scan I was nervous, I didn’t sleep because I worried about what happened last time. But the 12 week scan went really well she was perfect. We annouced on our facebook pages that we were expecting at 13 weeks just after my partners birthday. We were living the best life.
At 17 weeks pregnant I had a scan to find out the gender and then had a gender reavel party with just my partners side of the family as it was short notice. I was over the moon when the cake had pink inners saying we were having the perfect little girl. Our dreams were coming true.
My 20 week scan went well and she was starting to kick me all the time. In fact she was very active for a little bean. I knew when she was going to be active and how she would be. I talked to her every time she moved and she knew how much she was loved.
Because I was classed as high risk because of weight I had scans every 4 weeks from the 20 week scan. Everything wa going fine, she was getting bigger and becoming even more perfect. I was meant to have a scan on the friday at 36 weeks but the hospital had to cancel and move it to the following tuesday. I didn’t mind because she was active and perfect with every other scan.
That sunday was my baby shower. She was active all morning and throughout the day because I was busy with the baby shower and everything going on I dont remember her moving. Now you know where this is going dont you??
Monday morning came and I woke up and knew something was wrong. She wasnt moving. She wasn’t her active self. I was panicing and by the time I got to the hospital I knew everything wasnt going to be right ever again.
Hearing the words ‘she has no heartbeat’ was the moment my heart shattered into tiny bits and my will to continue died with her. I honestly dont know how I got through it all. Theres times when I look back and feel like it was a bad dream. I cant connect with what happened back then and I know thats why I am struggling now. It might of been over 6 months ago now but I feel like I just stopped living in April.
I cant think about the next part just yet, so I will do that in another post. I will say that not only did I lose my daughter but 5 days later I lost my father in law too which made it soo much worse. Its probably why I am having such a hard time thinking about it all at the moment. I will get there though. I need to.
My Journey 