We started to try to have a baby back in 2018, nothing was happening but we just thought it was just bad timing on our part. Autumn 2019 I had a really bad period that lasted a whole month. I was put on tablets to control the flow because I couldn’t leave the house because it was that bad. I actaully thought I was dying. I was given loads of tests to be done and just before christmas I was told it was cancer on my ovaries. Throughout christmas I was a shell. I then had an appointment with a specialist 29th of december 2019 and was told it wasnt cancer but I had PCOS. That convosation was a heavy one. I was happy I wasn’t dying but also when the lady said it would be very hard for me to get pregnant and that the only way to combat the hormonal change that causes PCOS is being put on birth control. I had to fight for my voice to be heard but was told I could improve my chances of pragnancy if I lost weight. Great I know have a goal that I have been trying to do for years.
2020 while everyone was gaining weight I was losing it bit by bit. I was on a mission and being on slimming world had helped a lot too. I still didnt understand PCOS and probaby didnt until the last month where I got a book about it all because I wanted to understand it more. But thats another days post. I lost a lot of weight in lockdown. I was more active and even got into yoga which im tempted to start back up because it was fun. I had lost 5stone by January 2021. I was then told over the phone that because my periods were back on track and the amount of weight I had lost that they could see me pregnant by the end of the year. This was great news and something I personally needed to hear.
Come June 10th 2021 and I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock and over joyed all at once. My whole dreams came true with that one test giving me a positive. The following weeks was a whirlwind of eating healthy making sure everything was on track and planning the future we both wanted with all our hearts.
Then came the 12 week scan where my heart was ripped open the first time. I was told bleeding was normal at the beginning and nothing to worry about. I found out at my 12 week scan that I had a miscarriage at 10weeks and they had brushed it off as normal. I was broken into little pieces at this information and decided to give myself time to grieve.
Everyone said it was normal and that it happens all the time. They made it sound like my baby wasnt important and because it was early it didnt matter. But it mattered to us and my heart. My first angel baby is in heaven and I dont even know the gender so it doesnt even have its own name. Just known as baby jones. how bad is that. I grieve for my lost baby and cant even give them a real name.
I got pregnant the second time really fast. Even though we weren’t trying, I was allowed to grieve for a month before I found out I was pregnant again with my daughter Amelia. That story will be in another post because thats a harder one to talk about. Lets just say she was meant to be my rainbow baby but it seems life just loves making me suffer.
My Journey 