I’m not sure where to begin. It seems even when I talk to my therapist I struggle to connect with what has happened. My life seems to be a fight after fight to grab even a little bit of happiness. It seems strange going back and thinking about how my life has come together.
I might as well give you all some back story about my past. Some may even relate to what has happened to me and connect. Where others will question how I got this far with all that crap I have had to go through. The easiest answer to that is I am a fighter and I dont know how to quit.
My childhood wasnt the best. In fact it was quite shitty. I grew up with two brothers, me being the oldest and one to be blamed for ruining my mothers life. Or thats how she use to put it while I was growing up. I was her verbal punching bag and protector of my brothers. I had my nan as back up but even then she never really knew all that happened behind close doors, even through she lived under the same roof. We would walk around the house on eggshells because one word and my mother would turn into something out of a nightmare. She only got physical twice, the rest would be locking me out in my bed wear so I would be sat in the garden in winter in just PJs or she would belittle me at every turn.
This happened throughout my childhood. I would get in between my mother and brothers, protecting them from her. I could take it they couldnt. It was better that I was her punching bag then they were. I was use to it. When I was in college about 17 years old she attacked me. I was taken to hospital with brusies and cuts all over my head and back from her beating me. She even wore rings doing it to add that special touch. It was that point that made the difference. We finally got the help we needed to get her out of our life. It was the start of the end when it came to her. Or thats how I feel anyway.
Fast forward to now, I am 28 years old and a mum to two angel babies. I have always wanted to be a mum. Its written in my DNA, my life goals has always included babies of my own. My partner and I have been together for 13 years, hes my rock and one of the reasons I keep fighting. Its been a really hard road for me, for us both. But I wanted to give you some background in my upbringing to understand how much my own little family means to me. How my world shattered into little pieces when I lost my babies.
I will warn you my posts may drop into different parts of my life. I do the same with my therapist. Its probably how I process everything thats happened. I will post poems that I connect with, books that I have read thats helped me. Charitites that I support. My day to day life everything that could help me with my healing journey but also may help yours in your own way too.
I do hope this helps someone in the future because going through a loss can be very lonely and thats the last thing we all need.
My Journey 